“I am so sorry for your loss”, “I have no words”, “How can I help?”, “I am here for you”, “It will be okay”, “They are not suffering anymore”, “We will pray for them”, “Sending love and prayers your way”, “You are in my thoughts”, “God loves them more”, “If you need to talk, I am here” “They will always be in our prayers”
A delicate subject death is. The unpredictability of what’s to come when death comes knocking at our door is hair-raising. It materializes in many ways; leaving our vulnerability to be unveiled, as bereavement blankets our soul. We have all been touched by the angel of death when our loved ones get taken away from us, and we all encounter its pain in ways only we ourselves are able to understand; but how do we cope and move forward after a profound experience with death?
I lost my brother on June 11, 2018 to cancer. My mother and I were with him before he took his last breath. I held his hand and said I was not going anywhere. He shed a tear as he looked at me, before turning to my mother, hugged her, and said, “I will always love you forever mama.” Within seconds he slipped away from us that morning, just shy of 5 days before Eid . Just like that. How do you fathom or say anything at that moment in time? I froze for a minute to register as I watched his chest move slower and slower. With a moment of realization in thinking I had a chance to save his life just to have another day with him, I ran out of the room to call a nurse. It never fazed me on how we decided earlier on that resuscitation was not an option for us. The nurses followed protocol, but looked at us with a heavy heart and said the very words you would never want to hear.
One of the nurses solemnly said, “Puan, sebab kita telah bincang dan membuat keputusan untuk tidak menyedarkan semula, kami hanya akan monitor sahaja. Kami meminta maaf sangat sangat.”(Ma’am, since we discussed and all had come towards the decision of not resuscitating, we can only monitor your son. We are truly sorry for this.)
We sat there and wept in silence, while we waited for the doctor to confirm his time of death.
His eyes were partially opened and mum walked up to me and said, “Close your brother’s eyes one last time.”
I looked at my mum while holding in my tears, and said, “I just lost my best friend.”
My heart shattered as I hesitantly closed his eyes with my hand trembling from denial. This heartbreaking memory will forever be seared and etched in my mind knowing how I witnessed losing my brother to the angel of death. Not to mention, the agony of sending out text messages to close friends and family saying my brother had passed away that very morning was too excruciating to describe. It has been close to two years since his passing, and my heart is still raw, and the feeling of hopelessness still lingers. As raw and numb as my heart still is from his death, I have learned that grief has no time frame, and I know it was okay to feel how I felt. However, through it all, I learned how to not let it overwhelm me. As they say, time is a great healer.
When he passed, I felt lost. Initially I let myself mourn his loss in solitude, and just wanted to be alone to process the true reality of not seeing or hugging my brother ever again. I would get text messages from close friends asking how I was doing and they would always send heartfelt words, which during that particular period angered me. Thoughts such as, “How would you know I will be okay?” or “You don’t know how it feels until you go through it.” It came to a point where I was sending generic messages back just to keep things civil, but in reality, I was hurting beyond measure. Looking back at it, I knew it was not me who was talking. It was grief. Grief engulfed my heart to the point of where I was not myself and I made irrational decisions. I knew I had to look ahead, regardless of how painful and heavy it was to put my feet and spirit forward in accepting his death.
Bereavement knows no boundaries; it will meet us in passing, one way or another, and the slight brush of its fingertips holds an amplitude of inexpressible weight on our soul. As people would always say, “Well, that is part of life.” So what do we do to cope with that particular moment in our lives? I know it is easier said than done, but life is not about sitting in a dark hole after experiencing a traumatizing event. The statement, “Our faith is being tested” gets tossed out there when we go through a period of grief and I believe it holds significant nuance when it comes to us overcoming tribulations. It is a process we must accept, come what may of what the heartache prompts. If we let it consume us, we may never recover from it, but as I mentioned, grief has no time limit. So we let it take its course and rise from the pain it brings, regardless of how hesitant you are to take the first stride. Everyone’s recovery is different and this is where I say grief works in mysterious ways, because it occasionally brings out a trait we never knew existed in us. It’s just like the saying we hear of how things happen for a reason, and it was meant for us to open up bigger doors with finer moments. I know… I know… It’s insane to think grief is a good thing to experience, but what I am trying to say is to look at the beauty behind the heartbreak and woe it brings. It has its measure of bringing out love, friendship, closeness, unity, family, and many more, in times of tragedy. I saw that, and I can bet my bottom dollar to whoever is reading this, have seen it too in their brief encounter with death. Funny how the world and universe works doesn’t it?
When my brother passed, and we were sorting out his funeral, a cousin of mine, who I have never spoken to in years, approached me at the mosque, hugged me, and broke down in my arms.
Through his pain he said, “Kenapa bila sepupu atau keluarga meninggal, baru nak jumpa? Kenapa kita macam ni? Kenapa kita jumpa macam ni? Abang Faril tak faham kenapa kita jadi macam ni.” (Why is it when a cousin or family member passes away, we finally meet? Why are we like this? Why do we meet like this? I don’t understand why we ended up like this.)
My heart ached beyond measure when I heard those words. It truly broke me to the point where I had no words, but just cried in his arms. It was a moment of realization that we all had done wrong to one another and had to mend our bridges. This was a regret we held onto and had to rectify it for it to never happen again. As we moved forward, we have ameliorated and are in the process of reestablishing our relationship as cousins and family. It’s funny how going through grief is what pushed us to reconcile. I hope and pray this is not the way anyone should go through in order to fix relationships with their friends and family. It is the worst possible way to face the regret of it. However, grief is not all about reconciling, but it also holds people closer and tighter than ever before to strengthen bonds with one another. Every cloud has its silver linings!
Recently we lost a beloved individual who shared his light and wisdom with the world. He wore the purple and yellow jersey with pride, and he was a man who loved his fans and family. Kobe Bryant was a force to be reckoned with. His impact on and off the court was impeccable as it filled the world’s heart with passion and unity. His tragic death, together with his daughter Gianna who we fondly knew as “Gigi”, and seven others, not only took a part of our heart, but it made our world somber. A legend who closed a new chapter of his life too soon, and a young prodigy hoping to flip through her introduction page and fill her father’s shoes was cut short. We start to question. How could this happen? Why is the world so cruel? His death was sudden and painful to accept. However through it all, it struck a spark of unity among the people from all over the world. We saw the jersey numbers of 24, 8, and 2 being worn by so many. The outpouring of love for these individuals, outmeasured the grief which we all came to face with. We saw fans who have never met, consoling each other as they grieved the loss of their hero. Florists were providing free flowers for fans as they laid it at the entrance of Laker Nation’s home ground, because, “This is LA.” Staples Center, LAX, and all over the world, lit purple and yellow in solidarity to pay accolade to our beloved Mamba. To me the most touching moment was the University of Connecticut’s tribute in honoring Gianna, as they laid a No. 2 jersey with a bouquet of flowers on a courtside seat for our treasured Mambacita before their game. For Coach Alto, who passed in the tragic incident as well; his team bowed their heads in melancholy in their home ground dugout until a fire truck came by, and a fireman on the loudspeaker spoke, “Coach Alto was a friend of ours too.” We grieved because we lost someone we all loved and adored, but we all stood together in solace to pay respect to them.
Kobe’s passing was cataclysmic, but we can take this moment to realize, even with the loss of someone we looked up to and loved, can bring out something beautiful through the pain we are facing. It does not have to be losing a well known individual to bring this rare gem forward. You can see it peeking through the murky depths of grief when we lose a family member or a friend. We may never recognize it until the fact of sitting in a corner and watching the people who show up for you when you are in a dark place, come to help put you in a better picture. You may not understand early on the significance of the judgment being put upon you when you lose someone, but the symbolism behind it has far superior meaning when we look back at it. Kobe would not want us to give up on life just because he is gone. He had a mission, and we have a duty to continue his mission to inspire everyone we meet. I know my brother would not want me to waste my life away just because he is not here in body. Before he passed, he gave me a necklace with three stars as a graduation gift.
I asked him, “Why stars?”
He smiled and responded, “Because I want you to reach for the stars in everything that you do.”
Well you know what? I am doing just that by reaching the stars in continuing his mission with one act of kindness at a time.
“Pain doesn’t tell you when you ought to stop. Pain is the little voice in your head that tries to hold you back, because it knows if you continue, you will change.”
Kobe Bean Bryant
To all who have lost someone in their lives- Do not fear the word death and grief. It is a part of life and it has no room to hold you back as you move forward in this universe. The people we love may not be with us in flesh and blood, but their soul will forever live on in our hearts, and know that they are also the stars above us, shining a light to guide us through this crazy thing we call life. Their lessons, their mistakes, their achievements, and their love, is our driving force to take the bull by the horns to achieve our goals. Hug and kiss your loved ones today, because you may never know when it would be your last to talk or hold them. Heck… Smile at a stranger in passing. You do not know what they are going through, and maybe… Just maybe, that smile of yours is their beacon of hope to better themselves and have a greater meaning to live another day. Love more, hate less. Life is too precious to just sit on the bench when you could be telling Coach to put you in, and flourish with the 3 pointers you have for your existence in this world. You only get one shot at this, so make it count.
A poems but a whisper,
That lingers on the Breeze.
A few unspoken words
Appear like falling leaves.
A tapestry of memories
Dreams that haunt the mind
Jumbled words scrambled thoughts
Borrowed from the passing of time
John Peter Read
World Footprint 
Thanks a million Fatin for sharing. I had been there and I survived to be who I am now.
LikeLike